Day 67

Apologies in advance for the rather macabre nature of this entry. I am genuinely a happy, contented person, it's just that sometimes I am fascinated with some of the less sun shiny aspects of humanity.

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I was watching an episode of House online today and there was this odd situation. A man had been accidentally diagnosed with a terminal cancer, then three months later was told the diagnosis was false; that he was in fact totally fine.
The man was furious, and filed a lawsuit. He said that knowing his death was immanent made him feel truly alive, and then that got taken away from him. So he wasn't suing for the bad diagnosis, he was suing because it turned out to be false!

I know that countless books have been written on death, suicide, and mortality in general, so probably anything I think to say has been said to death already... har har. Anyway.

I've always found the notion of the end to be a weird blip, a part of the world that just does not fit. It's as though the world's this puzzle, such that every new person adds another piece, making it bigger and more beautiful. But when somebody passes on, it's like a piece right smack in the middle of the puzzle has been taken out. It feels to me that there's never a right time; that there's never any dignity to the process. How could there be?

I fear the end, I really do. And it is never in moments of possibility (like busy traffic) that I think about it, but rather safe moments of solitude.
A solitary moment can be strange and unpredictable. On one occasion it will bring a sense of joy, of fascination, of wonder at the world. Suddenly every leaf, every grain of sand is magical and impossible, the slightest breeze filters clear through the body. Suddenly one gets a sense of both the transience and eternal longevity of the universe. I call this sensation immortality.

But then other times everything becomes bleak. Objects melt away; colours, sounds, smells, they all break down into one single and miserable sensation that I cannot think to describe with any word other than mortality.
Fear inevitably follows this sensation. It is a chilly feeling.


On a side note, I am hoping to re-read and compile some of these entries eventually. My (impossibly lofty) goal is to put together my beliefs on how the world is, what the world is, and what the good life consists in, that I will hopefully pen and publish here on the final day of the year (365).

Comments

Anonymous said…
I love how you canceled cable but still keep up with House.

I hope you're still up-to-date with Lost. It's the only show I'm still a-watching!
6:57 PM
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