Day 135
It is a trying feeling that occurs, when one spends one's life relying very heavily on strong intuitive judgements of others, only to find that one's intuition is about as reliable as the weather channel.
Like most men, probably my biggest problem when it comes to relationships is plain old cowardice. I'm plenty confident when it comes to meeting women, to dating, and, ahem... etcetera. But once things get serious I lose that confidence in one or two crucial ways. Problems go fully identified but unresolved. I've stayed in relationships far, far longer than I should have on account of fearing the inevitable train wreck of a break up. I look to emphasize the qualities in partners that I find noble, or attractive, or generally good, and seek to ignore or explain away the rest.
And to this there must be a certain kind of merit. But there is the key drawback: problems, or deep character flaws, go unnoticed and they eventually surface in irreconcilable ways.
So then we can say thus: relationships (done right) are mutual exercises in moderation. There are direct proportionalities: the more judgemental and critical you are the less likely you are to be hurt, but also the less likely you are to net the 'big' feelings. And, the less critical and judgemental you are the more likely you'll find your love, but also the more likely they'll end up to have been the wrong person all along.
I've been blindsided by horrible traits in partners before that I never saw coming. I'm sure anyone reading this who's had more than a couple relationships has as well. But hindsight kicks into gear, and slowly you piece the puzzle together in such a way that nothing they ever did was out of place; you just didn't see it coming because you weren't looking in the right places, or in the right ways, or at all.
But hindsight, in all its revelatory power, has the dark shadow of allowing you cause to forget your own mistakes. Each member of a broken couple blames the other for why it ended. Everybody is the victim or the villan, depending on who's asked.
However, there is one thing I've noticed time and again in my own ex's dating all the way back to high school, and in those of friends (both men and women). You can bet that one person was probably the real villan, the one who actually screwed the relationship all up, or cheated, or whatever else, when that person explains the breakup in very even-handed and humble terms. "Well, we both made mistakes, it's complicated. But it just wasn't meant to be." Beware, for in my experience this is what people say when they know deep down it was their fault.
Like most men, probably my biggest problem when it comes to relationships is plain old cowardice. I'm plenty confident when it comes to meeting women, to dating, and, ahem... etcetera. But once things get serious I lose that confidence in one or two crucial ways. Problems go fully identified but unresolved. I've stayed in relationships far, far longer than I should have on account of fearing the inevitable train wreck of a break up. I look to emphasize the qualities in partners that I find noble, or attractive, or generally good, and seek to ignore or explain away the rest.
And to this there must be a certain kind of merit. But there is the key drawback: problems, or deep character flaws, go unnoticed and they eventually surface in irreconcilable ways.
So then we can say thus: relationships (done right) are mutual exercises in moderation. There are direct proportionalities: the more judgemental and critical you are the less likely you are to be hurt, but also the less likely you are to net the 'big' feelings. And, the less critical and judgemental you are the more likely you'll find your love, but also the more likely they'll end up to have been the wrong person all along.
I've been blindsided by horrible traits in partners before that I never saw coming. I'm sure anyone reading this who's had more than a couple relationships has as well. But hindsight kicks into gear, and slowly you piece the puzzle together in such a way that nothing they ever did was out of place; you just didn't see it coming because you weren't looking in the right places, or in the right ways, or at all.
But hindsight, in all its revelatory power, has the dark shadow of allowing you cause to forget your own mistakes. Each member of a broken couple blames the other for why it ended. Everybody is the victim or the villan, depending on who's asked.
However, there is one thing I've noticed time and again in my own ex's dating all the way back to high school, and in those of friends (both men and women). You can bet that one person was probably the real villan, the one who actually screwed the relationship all up, or cheated, or whatever else, when that person explains the breakup in very even-handed and humble terms. "Well, we both made mistakes, it's complicated. But it just wasn't meant to be." Beware, for in my experience this is what people say when they know deep down it was their fault.
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