Day 239
So here we are. I've been hopping around Victoria these last few days tying up odds and ends, and in the process I've been pressed to admire the beauty of this city, and the deep love I have and always will have for it. Victoria is warm, sunny, temperate, quiet, unassuming, and full of visual beauty. A large portion of all the people I love most are in this city, not to mention my aging cat (who I fear may pass on while I'm away), the ocean that I find myself drawn toward at nearly every moment, and of course the various family pianos that I've been playing since toddlerhood. I'd not claim to have mastered the ivories, but I can, if nothing more, breathe just a little bit of life into them, and perhaps warm the passions of listeners who are willing to offer closed eyes and an open heart.
"Heron Rock" was the name my father and I gave to the granite boulder that somehow found itself placed atop the bedrock in Gonzales bay, where I spent a notable portion of my childhood living. A heron, of course, was often found gazing into the water from the stone's peak, eyeing small fish and the world 'round. Herons are wonderful creatures; I admire their style of hunting... lasting patient stillness, followed by a lightning-quick snap into the water.
Pictures just about take themselves in Victoria. Everywhere I look, I see a great photo opportunity. I wonder if the same will be true of Seoul, but I suspect it will not be. Big cities have many things in common with lush jungles - the diversity, the bustling, the competition and callous indifference - but not beauty. For some reason I find the indifference of nature beautiful, but the indifference of humanity frightening and appaling. Perhaps this is because I don't expect anything of nature other than indifference, but in humans I expect (less and less these days) a measure of compassion, or at least a capacity for it.
But such expectations are fleeting and often unrewarded. Werner Herzog, in his latest film, likens humanity to the meteor that ended most of Earth's life many millions of years ago, or the several massive ice ages that did the same. Humans are, as he alludes to, just the next catastrophic meteor under which the world's ecosystems will collapse, and eventually regrow - albeit over incomprehensibly long periods of time.
Analogies and symbolisms are everywhere, but most importantly there are built into us. I was pondering the as-of-late tumultuous weather, and noting that it was fitting to my departure, and very much symbolic of the upheaval I am about to experience. But then, I thought, were it sunny I may believe it was symbolic of good times to come, or if it were nothing but drab I'd say it symbolized the anticlimax that will inevitably occur when I sit down in my very small apartment not more than five days from now.
And so on. As the pattern-seekers we are, we look to connect and harmonize ourselves with the natural world. Some go boldly even further, attempting to harmonize themselves with the paradoxical 'nature of the supernatural,' or in other words what we call the Mind of God. I do not go that far. If there were a God, I'd not be so presumptuous about Him as many people seem to be, and nor would I be particularly in awe of His governing abilities. At best, the living world is a gritty, dirty, murderous, polluting, and terribly innefficient one - even without humans around.
I want to see new things. Like most people, I envy all creatures who can fly, who look down on the world uninhibited by technology. Occasionally I will see a crow just walking, and it always confuses me when I do. Wouldn't that be like me crawling when I could instead walk?
Either way, I will try the next best thing to the bird's freedom, and jump into a plane. The coming year will be full of opportunities not only financial, but also cultural, and heck even spiritual. I've always been keen on learning more Buddhist philosophy; specifically, my love-hate relationship comes from an intuitive personal relation to it all, but conversely an aversion to whatever it might say about the bonds of worldly fellowship that I believe are supremely important generous in return to those involved. I look forward to Korea, at least in part, because it will offer new things to study.
I also look forward to going because it will offer vaulable job experience; I'll be able to dabble in the world of teaching, a skill that I believe I possess to a greater degree than that to which I actually enjoy it. But we shall see.
There is a great deal of money to be made, as well. Honestly, I have little or no interest at this moment to find what we call a 'career,' ever. I'd much rather make some money and find a way to invest it wisely, and live sparsely. The things I enjoy most don't require money except in the sense that they require time, which in this day and age must sadly be purchased.
I like the idea of a massive city. I want to get lost in the hustle of it all.
Aside from having rock solid family relations back home, what's keeping my fear largely at bay is that I am going with a friend. Sink or swim, Jordan, you and I are in this one together. As much as we can get at each other's throats on occasion, I have absolute confidence we'll come out of this adventure as the same friends we were when it began, if not better.
And to my family, especially to mom, you know I will be back in good time and in good health. Perhaps it will be one year in Korea, perhaps more. Perhaps I will study in Canada or abroad, but I love my family and my hometown too much not to return. Hopefully, Erin, you will read this entry yourself in the not-too-distant future and know that I plan to think of you every day. I truly consider missing out on this much of your childhood to be the greatest sacrifice of all in leaving Victoria, and I look forward to meeting you all over again when I return.
All told, Victoria isn't going anywhere. There will always be a place for me in this town, whatever that place may be, and I don't fear for even a moment that the people I truly love will budge even an inch from their affections, no matter how long I am away for. To all those I love, know that my affection will not budge either.
I hope to return a better person, with more ideas and new perspectives and new skills and, ideally, a greater passion for life and love. With these things, I hope very simply to sit down and spend some time thinking with a slight smile.
Comments
Good luck
-Lydia