How to Lose an American Presidential Election
The Top Seven Losing Ways, inspired by John McCain:
7. Disillusion your base: Make sure that the right-wing evangelicals who elected your party's presidential predecessor by voting in droves have virtually no interest in you as a candidate. A good way to do this is to take a relatively middle-ground stance on all their biggest cultural hot button issues like abortion and religious rhetoric.
6. Be very, very old: Make sure to run for president while on the verge of losing mental capacity.
5. Offer contradictory political messages: Use logically self-contradictory phrases like 'conservative reformer' and 'maverick with republican values' to describe yourself. Make sure to keep your potential voters very, very confused.
4. Tell people things are going great when they clearly aren't: If the economy is facing a worldwide depression, be sure to proclaim its fundamentals are strong anyway. Offer no apparent reason or justification for the statement.
3. Spend much less money than your opponent: Allow your opponent to spend unlimited money while keeping yourself capped by the legal limits imposed upon those candidates who choose to accept federal campaign funding.
2. Emphasize things people don't care about: Spend what money you have attacking your opponent in ways that most people feel are irrelevant at best, and detestable at worst. Spend very little money advertizing yourself in a positive way, as this may tip voters off that you are a viable alternative to the candidate you attack.
1. Pick an idiot for a running mate: This is key, since a candidate's vice-presidential pick is the first important signal of the kind of administration he or she intends to formulate if elected. Try to pick someone who is unqualified, completely out of touch (perhaps not even from the continential 48) both ideologically and pragmatically with most Americans, and utterly inexperienced in all the ways that a potential president should never be. Ideally you want this person to disagree with you as well on many issues, so as to maximize the eratticness of your campaign. Have your running mate show consistent visible contempt for voters in the electoral swing states, so as to alienate as many undecided voters as possible.
No matter who your opponent is, these seven simple steps will assure you a landslide defeat.
7. Disillusion your base: Make sure that the right-wing evangelicals who elected your party's presidential predecessor by voting in droves have virtually no interest in you as a candidate. A good way to do this is to take a relatively middle-ground stance on all their biggest cultural hot button issues like abortion and religious rhetoric.
6. Be very, very old: Make sure to run for president while on the verge of losing mental capacity.
5. Offer contradictory political messages: Use logically self-contradictory phrases like 'conservative reformer' and 'maverick with republican values' to describe yourself. Make sure to keep your potential voters very, very confused.
4. Tell people things are going great when they clearly aren't: If the economy is facing a worldwide depression, be sure to proclaim its fundamentals are strong anyway. Offer no apparent reason or justification for the statement.
3. Spend much less money than your opponent: Allow your opponent to spend unlimited money while keeping yourself capped by the legal limits imposed upon those candidates who choose to accept federal campaign funding.
2. Emphasize things people don't care about: Spend what money you have attacking your opponent in ways that most people feel are irrelevant at best, and detestable at worst. Spend very little money advertizing yourself in a positive way, as this may tip voters off that you are a viable alternative to the candidate you attack.
1. Pick an idiot for a running mate: This is key, since a candidate's vice-presidential pick is the first important signal of the kind of administration he or she intends to formulate if elected. Try to pick someone who is unqualified, completely out of touch (perhaps not even from the continential 48) both ideologically and pragmatically with most Americans, and utterly inexperienced in all the ways that a potential president should never be. Ideally you want this person to disagree with you as well on many issues, so as to maximize the eratticness of your campaign. Have your running mate show consistent visible contempt for voters in the electoral swing states, so as to alienate as many undecided voters as possible.
No matter who your opponent is, these seven simple steps will assure you a landslide defeat.
Comments
1) Stop posting.
I've been a bit busy lately, I'll try to post something now.