BBC reported yesterday that condoms in India are often too large for men, particularly the men living in rural areas. It makes sense; in less developed parts of the world, the people are simply shorter and smaller all over, thanks to a lack of protein and other nutrients during childhood and adolescence. Conversely, the nations with the highest standards of living are the tallest.

That must be a blow to one's sense of nationalism, that one's country needs smaller condoms manufactured than those of international standards.

Anyway, I'm not tooting my own horn here, or implying anything, but the condoms in Korea really are smaller than the ones sold here. At first I thought I was mistakin', but after a few, er, tests, it became really obvious. See the thing is, Seinfeld was right: when it comes time to wrap up, you've got about a 30-second window to complete the task before all is lost. There's just something about refocusing one's mind away from the sexual and on to this tricky task, combined with the realization that a very tenous layer of latex is protecting one from all kinds of things that may or may not otherwise be results of the intimate moment. It is a little bit of a taunt to millions of years of evolution.

Back to my point: condom sizes really do vary by country. I wonder, then, if the data exists out there on the average 'size' of men all over the world. Could countries be ranked? Who would be on top? Imagine the bragging rights we'd have if our country was #1. Imagine the taunting there'd be by tourists from one country to the next. Imagine the consequence at international sporting events, if all the fans knew who was where on the rankings. It's no wonder such a list has never been published.

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